How to Finally Let Go of Judgment
Written by Jen Ohlund, a licensed professional counselor
When it comes to the word judgment, there is a lot of confusion. One definition of the word judgment is, ‘the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.’ That doesn’t sound so bad. If we were to stick to the formal definition of that word, we would form opinions based on observation and analysis and come to a sound conclusion. That is one way to look at judgment, for example, in a court of law. However, another way to look at judgment has a more negative connotation, as in, ‘she’s so judgmental.’
When intense emotions (anger, hurt, anxiety, etc.) arise, we have inclinations to judge whoever or whatever is triggering those emotions. Judgments can be external or internal. With external judgments, we direct things outside of ourselves. For example, when someone cuts us off in traffic, we may have a tendency to think (or yell) about what a ‘stupid idiot’ this person is. With internal judgments we direct judgments towards ourselves. Perhaps we don’t get the job we want and begin feeling that we are ‘incompetent’ or ‘not enough.’
When we make a judgment, we smack a label on something without providing understanding or information on why the label is there. We interpret these labels as concrete facts although they are often far from it. For example, calling your ex a ‘jerk’ is a label that doesn’t explain why you think they are a jerk or provide any information or context about how you came to feel that way. If you were venting to a friend about how much of a jerk your ex is without elaborating on the situation, they wouldn’t know what that meant.
On the other hand, being nonjudgmental involves including the facts and our feelings. For example, ‘I ended the relationship with my boyfriend because he was a jerk,’ is a judgment or label that doesn’t explain anything or provide any insight. Rather than using a judgment, it is helpful to give some thought as to why you feel the way you feel. If we reframe the above statement in a nonjudgmental way, it will look more like, ‘I’m hurt and angry at my ex-boyfriend because he was often critical of my body and micromanaged what I ate.’ Do you notice the difference? Nonjudgment involves being clear and specific with the facts and naming your feelings.
Shifting our way of thinking into nonjudgment is not easy! Judgments are such a common part of society and our interactions with others. Judgments have become accepted as a form of humor and masking our own feelings and thoughts. As you work on shifting judgment…be patient with yourself. One of the many difficulties with being judgmental is that judgments often make us feel worse and increase our distress. How do we shift that mindset? First, we can begin to recognize them as we tune into how we are feeling or experiencing things. One helpful clue that you are using judgment is that you will notice your emotional pain increase. When we use judgments we don’t feel a sense of relief at expressing our feelings or thoughts. In fact, the opposite happens, instead of relief we feel even more frustrated and upset, it adds fuel to the fire.
Judgments are not beneficial because they don’t provide us with useful information. For example, you are going out to dinner with your friend, and you’ve been craving sushi all day. She has been craving Thai. You might tell your friend she is being ‘selfish,’ which would be a judgment. A nonjudgmental way of saying the same thing might be, ‘I’ve been looking forward to sushi all day and I am disappointed that you are wanting something different.’ Sharing your feelings in this way still may not get you the sushi you’re craving but it won’t escalate the situation any further because you are being open and honest with what you are experiencing. Telling your friend how selfish she is will likely make her angry and even less likely that you will get what you are wanting.
You can begin to shift a judgmental mindset by:
1) Setting an intention each day to notice your thoughts. Sometimes noticing it is enough to let a judgmental thought go.
2) Intense emotions can be difficult to let go. If you notice you are using a judgment, reframe it into a nonjudgmental statement (facts and feelings).
The blessing of becoming more nonjudgmental in your thinking is greater control over your emotions and your life. Emotions don’t have morality, they are not good or bad. Emotions are simply messages that tell us something about ourselves, the situation or others. What we DO with emotions can be healthy or unhealthy. Treat your emotions as you would welcome a friend. You (hopefully) wouldn’t ignore people you love and care for. You give them time and attention and care. Our emotions are our friends. Pay attention to them (name them), be curious about why they are there (they are messengers that show up to tell us something) and find something helpful that you can do with them. Here is a simple example…If I am feeling stressed, I can name the emotion, “I’m feeling really anxious right now.” Then I can ask myself what this anxiety is trying to tell me, “I have an important (exam, interview, date, etc.) and I don’t feel prepared. What if I fail, or look stupid, or it doesn’t work out.’ My anxiety is there telling me that I don’t feel prepared. What can I do with this information in the here and now that will be helpful? I could spend some time studying for my exam, learning some basic social skills, or practicing interview questions. If I don’t have time to do these things, I can learn from this experience and plan more effectively moving forward.
Take a few moments to practice this reflective exercise and tune into your internal experience.
Reflective Exercise:
Take a moment to think about a person, situation, or experience where you either felt judged in a negative light or made a negative judgment about someone or something.
What emotions did you experience as you made or received this judgment? Did it calm or intensify the negative feelings?
Now, reframe the judgment into nonjudgmental language (use facts, what are you feeling).
What did you notice emotionally, physically, mentally, as you used nonjudgmental language?
What is something helpful you can do with this emotion now?